Trust Yourself
I get a lot of questions from women who have great trust issues with their men.
So I thought I would talk about it.
I know there are women out their who cheat too. That’s another blog for another day. It is just that I just get so many questions from women who seem to feel defined by what their guy does and are so consumed by their inability to control the situation.
There are all kinds of reasons women are mistrustful. Some have been hurt in the past. Some are with guys that they have caught doing the wrong thing. Sometimes we borrow mistrust from those around us who have been hurt.
Before you know what to do about your mistrust you have to answer the question – why?
Is HE truly untrustworthy or are YOU afraid. Or as is often the case is it some of both.
I don’t believe in ‘once a cheater always a cheater.’ I think people can do wrong and turn the corner. You have to be a strong person to make that work though. They have to work to regain your trust but you have to respond to that effort by learning to trust.
That doesn’t mean you ignore the wrong but you have to assess the risk.
If, however, someone keeps showing you that he is not trustworthy then that’s what that is. The fact that you love him and have been wonderful to him does not change who they are. You can’t wish it away or constrain it away. Playing inspector gadget is no way to live. The world won’t end when a person who keeps hurting you goes away.
I guess the one thing I would love women to understand is that the more you value yourself, the more capable and strong and interesting you are the more attractive you are not just to your man but to yourself.
Whether he stays or goes you’ll always be with you. You have to be happy with that person.
The only answer in the end is to trust and work on yourself. Not be defeated or angry. Don’t just play defense and insist that you need no one. That is a self fulfilling prophecy.
Just be comfortable with who you are and if you aren’t do more. Get better. Make your own joy in a positive pursuit. The better you feel about you the less susceptible you are to what the rest of the world does to you. Including the man you love but can’t seem to trust.
Don’t worry about trusting him.
Trust yourself.
Hi judge Lynn! I have wanted to ask for some advise but I don’t know how to get in contact with u directly…ie. Facebook etc. but I was wanting to ask for some advice on my relationship.
Okay, we’ll everything started like this…I was married to a man for 2 and a half years that I found out was bipolar, schizophrenic, OCD and he was born with MMR. I can’t say that I did see some of the symptoms of these different disorders during our courtship, but I really didn’t. He took his medication on time daily while we were dating, and we really were in love. Anyway, I was going to a HBCU here in my state (Oklahoma, langston university), and he (my husband) wasn’t going to school, however he was there almost everyday! Well his grandmother (who for some reason didn’t like me) kicked him out because he was spending so much time with me and so he wouldn’t be on the street, I let him stay with me in my dorm/apartment on school campus. Well because there is to be no co-ed visitation after 11pm I racked up a pretty big bill for him staying. Anyway, I got kicked out because he was there and after roughing it for about a year we got married. (that was pushed by some ministers that we were staying with) the day that we SIGNED the marriage license his grandmother brought me all of his psych evaluations and medical documents and medication!!!! . Even though I was scared out of my mind I still stuck with it. (I’m Haitian,and our culture is…once married its til death do us part…) but when I confronted him about the medication and the paperwork he threw th medication down the toilet and told me that he doesn’t have to take them anymore…anyway, u know how that went after that. Abuse abuse abuse…u name it…it happened! But long story short, he cheated on me SEVERAL times and after I couldn’t take it anymore, I told him to leave. We have been separated for 8 months, and we both have moved on, but I feel like I caused my own downfall, and it almost to the point where in my new relationship, it’s like since I had to “dumb down” for so long, it’s hard for me to be back to “normal” sometimes…and my depression is so severe now,that my new boyfriend is losing patience with me,and I somewhat feel that he is losing respect for me. Idk what to do ..how to feel. I don’t feel pretty anymore, and I’m just tired. If u could help or just give me some advice I would appreciate it! Btw: me and ex haven’t had a divorce but since we both are broke and can’t afford it we just left it alone. Please help
Thanks,
Dominique Roberson
YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR OWN DOWNFALL. People do things that don’t work out all of the time. It’s all of humanity. what defines you is how you handle it. So far, I think you’ve done very well. You didn’t stay in an abusive relationship. You’ve moved on. I can’t tell you how many never do it and suffer endlessly. Give your self credit for doing that. It is harder than most people know. A lot of people go under and never get away. You have done something smart and difficult!
Listen, I have suffered from depression. My pops was bi-polar. I know it can get dark. I am a big fan of getting help. The sooner you talk to a counselor about it the easier it will be to turn this ship around. I’ve done it. I am not ashamed of it. I’ve talked about it on the show.
Don’t live your mistakes. Celebrate your recovery!
Best of luck to you.