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Ask Judge Lynn

November 5, 2012 Uncategorized 30 Comments

 

Hello all,

I get a lot of questions from people so every once in a while I like to do an

ASK JUDGE LYNN

I get a lot of questions so I can’t answer them all.  Also I can’t do it privately . . . If you have a question leave it as a comment on this post.  If it one I
think I have a good answer to I’ll post the comment and my response.

 

JLT

 

Currently there are "30 comments" on this Article:

  1. Tymey Thomas says:

    Hi Judge Lynn..my 2 girls were adopted back ion 2003. The adopted mother passed away in early August. Her husband is still there, but is in his late 60′s and they have an older sister (who was also adopted) she is 21 and helps take care of them..I would like to get my girls back!! What steps do I take legally to start that process. Also the reason I didn’t pursue this before, is because she was so kind as to let me still be involved in their lives and I didn’t have the heart to to take them away from her, but she’s gone now and I want the chance to be their mother again. Serena is 12, who doesn’t want to come here with me in Arizona and Wilina is 13 going on 14 in Dec. She wants to come live with me. Judge Lynn, am I being selfish by wanting to remove them or should I just let them be and work out vacation times with the family? I’m not trying to hurt nobody….sigh

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I think your first mission is an emotional and not a legal one. Your very first concern is your girls’ best interests. What they need. What they want and what is best for them.

      That rules everything. So take a step back from how you feel and consider only that. Then . . .

      it might help to think outside the box a bit. How could you be an active and constant part of their lives without the legal steps. Can you guys merge up in a way that is meaningful and positive for all of you?

      The legal process is a difficult one with lots of hurt feelings money and angst. Sometimes it is what you have to do, but a lot of that could be avoided if everyone works together for the greater good. Just don’t overlook all of your non-legal emotionally stabilizing ways for everyone to get what they need . . .

      Good luck to you all.

  2. Keydrull Downey says:

    What would you consider your best feature? And what drives your hubby crazy in a good way when it comes to you? I love your show you tickle me.. and I think are simply adorable….

    • Judge Lynn says:

      My best feature is my brain – which in some respects is also my worst one. That second question . . . well Big E likes to keep his secrets! LOL

  3. Zoe says:

    Hi Judge! I love your show, you are one of my favorite Judges and I love how you actually let both people talk and also keep it real! My question is. Do you think someone could cheat once and never do it again? I mean, I keep hearing once a cheater always a cheater but I have now been in a situation where, I just found out ( 5 weeks ago) my husband of only 6 months had been talking to another woman for about 3/4 months, texts saying they love each other. He has since broke down saying it was an bad mistake, he’s sorry, he didn’t mean those things to her, and he wants his marriage and family. He claims they didn’t kiss or do the do, but I don’t know if that is true or not. He stopped talking to her (as far as I know), got on my phone plan so our phones are connected, started going to church and saying He feels quilty and will never do that again, he knows it was wrong and he never wants to lose me. He said he was mad because I was keeping a man in my life that I had been intimate with about 12 years ago but we were just friends since then, and he couldn’t take it anymore and felt like I didn’t respect him, or wasn’t taking our marriage seriously so he just said forget it… I would LOVE to hear your thoughts and/or advice on this?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I do not believe in once a cheater always a cheater. It is a cute and pithy expression but the truth is rarely that simple. I always tell people that if someone hurts you and is truly sorry they will do those things they need to do to make up for that hurt and make you feel better. Looks like that’s what your hubby is doing.

      Your situation just demonstrates the importance of communication. He didn’t know how to communicate his feeling about that guy so he acted. Sometimes guys need help with expressing how they feel. I work at keeping the lines of communication open at my house because we have had trouble in the past with assuming and not saying.

      Keep talking. Make sure he is truly comfortable with you and this guy now and if not – you guys need to discuss it.

      Keep talking. Keep trying. He seems to be. Don’t let the world tell you what to do. Don’t expect perfection from the person you love. Respect your own strength and ability to resolve situations. Don’t let a dumb thing ruin your marriage. If this becomes a theme that’s another thing but there are always pot holes in any marriage. Trust yourself.

  4. LTM says:

    Judge Lynn -
    I have 3 daughters, 2 grown (22 and 21) and a 13 year old that is still in the home. THe 21 year old single mom has a 18 month old baby. Anyways, my dilemma is that my mom (i’m an only child) and other family members do not want to come over on Thanksgiving (or other family functions) because of the 21 year olds behavior. It’s been difficult since about 16 years old. I regret so very much that I did not get the necessary help, counseling or whatever then. Now every time we are together, it always ends foul – even if we’d had a great day. Every family function is gloomed by some ghetto behavior, some misunderstood comment, or, when everyone is joking, suddenly something is not taken well by her and it gets ugly. Last Christmas was sad because we took her home early just to enjoy the rest of the day with out drama. She was sad, crying angry about that too. I was just sad, but didn’t want to destroy the day for everyone else. Now with the baby, we are concerned about “well if i can’t come, my baby can’t come” responses (which has already happened a couple of times) We’ve already tried explaining this and she feels she is always made out to be the bad guy. We love her and we know she loves us, but these ugly scenarios are heart renching. Please give me some feedback on this.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      That’s a tough one. The only thing I can say is this, lots of times you can’t address a problem successfully because of timing. Holidays are notoriously stressful and even more so because you guys have a history of trouble with it. Here’s some de-escalation techniques I like maybe some will help:

      1. Far before the event sit down with a positive tone and say “I am so looking forward to tThanksgiving. Laugh about how messy they have been and ask in a non judgmental way “what do you think we can do to keep things good this year?’

      2. Remind all involved separately that they cannot control another’s behavior they can only control their own. No matter what anyone says it can’t turn into an argument unless the other person reacts. Just because the person is irritating (maybe even on purpose) doesn’t mean you have to get irritated. When you ignore an agitator you defeat them.

      3.Control the amount and flow of alcohol – often that makes things worse.

      4. Ask people to make a commitment to calm. Actually get them to say it. People are much more likely to do it.

      5. If you believe in God get together and say a prayer at the beginning. Bring Him into the mix even if everybody doesn’t believe. It changes the atmosphere.

      6. Think back over past outing and see if you can id common causes. Those issues come up avoid them

      7. Remind the instigator that you love them and have everyone else do the same. Lots of people act up for attention or because they have issues about their own self worth. Sometimes lavishing positivity on them changes how they feel.

      Just a few ideas. Hope they help.

  5. lindsey l says:

    Hi, judge lynn. I have a question? I have known my kids father for 11 years been together for 10 years off and on. I have three kids from him. We haven’t gotten married yet, don’t have our own place. Every time I want to break up with him, he thinks its a joke and he laughs about it. But when he want to call it quits he wants me to respect it. What should i do and how do I go by doing it? If I don’t want to be with him anymore.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Once you tell someone you don’t want to be with them anymore your actions have to conform to that. Be courteous, available for decisions about the kids and that’s it. Whether or not he respects your decisions is based on what YOU do. It seems like you guys are going back and forth all of the time. You have to decide what YOU want to do in a time of calm and not just break up in response to what is going on. Make a decision and act in accordance therewith. Be consistent.

  6. veneeesha Chosen luckey says:

    What do yu think is the best way to handle finances if the wife has more money than the husband going into a marriage, considering the male is supposed to be the bread winner, which is why I’m single now & been waitng on? & how will I kno this answer if yu’d answered it?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      The idea of men as the primary breadwinner is slowly going the way of the dinosaur. Money is not a gender thing it is an ability and temperament thing. Each spouse has the ability to make as much as they can make and how you determine how you spend it depends on the two of you who you are and who does what the best.

      I make more money than my husband. He makes his own. I take care of the day to day bills not because I make more but because I am better at household finances. We make major money decisions together and we each have our own discretionary income. Hope that helps.

  7. Makeda Cyrus says:

    Dear Judge Lynn, thank you so much for all the great advice you give and all the great work you! i recently saw a case with Erin and Anisha i believe, i cant recall the name, but i know the young lady was Anisha. that case brought tears to my eyes because she is actually me, just that i wasn’t able to keep my pregnancies due to health conditions and otherwise!

    Now that we have gone our separate ways, it seems as though i cant let go! i stopped him when i realized that he was misleading me when he kept coming back for sex and he was never open to exactly about it sometimes he said he wants to be with me just not now…..I was always strong, but its like this broke my self-esteem. i really need some advice please Judge cause this is affecting me even with my mental health and my academic life! i would be so grateful for the help from Judge and anyone wishing to give some advice!

    thank you so much!

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Find something to get passionate about. You are already in school I take it so that’s great. But you have to find something you love to do and takes up a lot of your time. Do you work out? Do you volunteer? Do you read? Do you travel.\? Do you belong to any groups?

      I life well lived is a full one that has no space for those who chose not to travel in your direction.

  8. Cat Brown says:

    Dear Judge Lynn, I’m writing you because I need advice on what I should do about my marriage. I’m married with3 handsome boys. Me and my husband have been together for 13 yrs. Married for 6 yrs. My husband has been unfaithful throughout our whole relationship. He also has been in and out of jail for the past 9 yrs. I’m getting tired, I pray that we can work it out. But I don’t see change. He is now back in jail and I’m again taking care of our children and household again. I love him but I want to be happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Its like a cycle with him. He does ok for the first few months, then back to the clubs the staying out late the coming home waking me up jus to argue. I want better for me and my boys. I don’t want them thinking its ok to disrespect a woman and make feel less than a woman. I can honestly say its been good with him being gone. But who is to say will he change once he come home. I try to keep the faith but it like we are no good for each other. I wanna leave but yet I don’t want to leave him while he is in jail. But when is a right time to tell him that I no longer want to be married to him. I have a heart I just can’t leave him while he has nothing right now. I just wanna be free.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Whenever you tell him it will e hard. There is no “Classic” right time to tell anyone anything. You have to make a decision and work on THAT decision. I am not sure you are firm in that decision yet. That what you have to work on, comfort in your own heart that you are doing the right thing. Get support and help. Once you have that peace you work the problem. Good luck.

  9. Beverly says:

    Dear Judge Toler,

    I am writing for a bit of pre-marital advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and we’ve been talking about marriage. However I’m very concerned about some of the things that may accompany us in our marriage. My boyfriend and his mother have a codependent relationship. She doesn’t work due to “back problems” and doesn’t have a car. In essence she depends on him to do everything from paying the house bills to driving her everywhere she wants to go. She is not respectful of his time, nor our time. There has been several occasions when he has arrived at my house only to be called on his cell because she has decided she has plans and needs him to take her.
    As much as I love him, I can’t see myself marrying him with his mother in tow. I find myself becoming annoyed at just the thought of her. There are other issues that concern me about us being married but this is the major one and I don’t know how to address it and make him understand how important this is to me. We’ve talked about it before but all he says is that “it’ll get better.” I want my husband to be the Head of the Household but I don’t feel like he is Head of the Household material. He has been sheltered and and unexposed to his role in a relationship.
    I am 33 years old and the mother of a four-year-old daughter. I work a full time job, am a full time college student (I carry 18hrs and expect to graduate May 2013), work a part time job and volunteer with my daughter’s school and extra curricular activities. So my tolerance for nonsense is zero. I have suggested counseling but we haven’t found one who will counsel us as a dating couple, not an engaged couple. I’m hoping to get some insight before we make a mistake and end up on your show.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      The next time the two of you talk about the mother issue:

      1. make sure you do not do it in a time of anger or when there is a current issue with her. Come at it calmly and as an issue you both need to resolve – not a ‘you against her’ thing.

      2. next time he says “It will get better.” tell him you need to SEE better or it won’t work. Then you need to make a specific request of him with respect to her. Even if he wants to he probably doesn’t know when where or how to draw the line. He may intend to do differently but it is hard to change such a major relationship.

      3.Help him set doable boundaries with her. Have him set up times where he can help her with her runs. He needs to say, “I have obligations now so I have to make sure I am available. I can help you run errands on these days and these times.” If it is not an emergency he needs to make her stick to that. No need to be mean just calm and constant. She wants a trip to the store – “Put that on the list and when I help you make your runs tomorrow we’ll make sure to do that.”

      4. He needs to have a heart to heart with her about going forward with his life. reassure her that she is not being abandoned but that his life is changing and he needs her help with that.

      It is all on him though. If he has the strength and will to be a good husband to you he has to demonstrate the strength and will to deal with his mom. You can help him with strategy but you can’t make him be someone he doesn’t want to be. Then it is up to you to decide what you can and cannot live with.

      Good luck.

      • Beverly says:

        Thank you Judge Toler and Linda Simmons for your kind words of wisdom. Your words really gave me a new perspective to approach him with.

  10. to comment on the above article with this young 33 yr old. Please do prepare tomarry this man if he has mother in his back pocket you will be a very unhappy. A quote from Pastor Olsteen is don’t let people squeeze you into their mold. (in quote). You have a daughter and incollege and planning to graduate in 2013 that is a postive thing and do have people that will hold you back with you sucess. You need someone in your life that will celebrate you and be head f the household. I have ha a lot of bad relationship’s and had to realized that i had to change who i was so i could attract better and positive people. I married my husband in 2005 i was 53yrs. old and he is best thing that has ever happen to me beside my God!!! i wish you the best of luck

  11. lisa says:

    I have a question but I have to say I think you are awesome.ok me and my husband been together for 14 years we are having some problems first of all what is the average numbet
    R of times that a healthy couple have sex in a week because thats a big thing in the relationship hes like 37 and im 42 I feel hes not interested in me anymore and he says I want sex too much I have tried to only want it like 2 times a week.it took alot to ask u this but I just been feeling depressed a little.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      You know there is no such thing as the right amount of sex. Everybody has different sexual needs so you can’t assume that he’s not attracted to you it just may be he doesn’t need as much, Also the amount of testosterone a man has diminishes with age. That can cause them to have less interest in sex. They have medication for that now. Keep talking. don’t feel bad. just look at it like an issue you two have to work on together not a personal rejection. Maybe you need to do some different things he might find more interesting. A lot of couples deal with this. A lot.

  12. Sharon A says:

    Hi Judge,

    I just want to thank you for your advice concerning my friend who had offended me during the time she was on drugs. We have been communicating and I did what you said and I can honestly say it has brought our friendship to another level. Actually this situation was more about me than her. I realize that there are things concerning myself that I need to work on in order to be relational with others.

    I appreciate your advice.
    KEEP IT MOVING! LOL

  13. toya says:

    Hello Judge Lynn Toler!

    I would like to start off with saying , i think your such a great person and you inspire me so much. My question is this, i have been dating a man who has 3 beautiful children for a year. I have a son myself. My family refuses to accept him because they feel he can do nothing for my son and i because he has 3 of his own. its so disheartening that this great man that has soo much love for my son and i cant even be accepted by my family. If i even bring up his name around my father it becomes a problem. I am not a child and i wish my parents would just get over it. but sometimes i feel like they want me to choose and that doesnt seem right to me. There comments are very discouraging because i do have certain insecurities in our relationship. Like the fact him and the mother of his children have been together for a long time. There is so much history i feel like i cant compete.Basically my question is, how can i show my parents this man is a good man and how do i let go of those insecurities?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I married a man with 4 sons and I did not have any of my own. My parents were livid. I did not get angry with them because I understood how they felt. I stayed connected and loving with my family but made it clear I was going to marry this guy no matter what. I listened to them though. You should listen as well. They may tell you something you don’t know – just saying. Anyhow I stayed resolute but calm made a point of remaining positive and a part of my family while doing what I thought best.

      I guess my answer is if YOU are really secure in your decision that is what you have to worry about. You can’t make people like other people. He can prove himself and your parents will do what they do. Mine got on board eventually but you can’t count on that. Marriage is grown folk business. You have to be able to stand on your own and be secure in your own decision.

  14. toya says:

    Thank you very much, judge Lynn Toler

  15. Debra says:

    Dear Judge Lynn,

    I just want to THANK YOU SO MUCH for your objection to the recent trend of both women and men referring to women as “female”.
    This has been a pet peeve of mine..you hit the nail right on the head when you said “we are not livestock”! And when you reminded the woman again and told her not to “buy into your own degradation”, I couldn’t have agreed more!

    It s also very bothersome to me that women have embraced being called “bitch”, so much so that when they’re not insulting their foes with this word, they celebrate the designation! When will women wise up and stop embracing negative concepts specifically about our gender that are turned into a part of the lexicon?

    Thank you for saying it so well, I hope all the viewers really heard what you said.

    All the best,
    Debra

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