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Ask Judge Lynn

February 11, 2013 Uncategorized 35 Comments

Hello everybody!

 

I haven’t done an Ask Judge Lynn in a while; things were a little hectic – still are.  That said I have had a couple of requests so I thought I’d do it again.  Things to remember:

 

1.  I can’t answer legal questions.  This is more of a life-coach kind of Q&A.

2.  I can’t get to all of them but I will do as many as I can that I think I have a good answer to.  SO PLEASE DON’T GET OFFENDED IF I DON’T ANSWER YOURS!  :-O

3. The questions I do answer will be posted here with the answer.  Since I do them personally sometimes it takes me a while to get to them.

In the interim, ALL OF THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

Judge Lynnshot_5_office_049 lo-res copy

 

Currently there are "35 comments" on this Article:

  1. Tianna says:

    Hello Judge Lynn,

    I have been with my mate for 3 yrs now. We both gave 1 child from a previous relationship and a 6 mo old together! However he has never introduced me to the mother of his child! We have been engaged for over a year and our relationship is really good. Im 23 and he is 27. We are planning to get married this yr but the fact that i never met his bm bothers me! Wat do u think?
    Thank u for your feed back

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I think you need to talk to him. Ask him why. Don’t be angry. Just say you are concerned and would like to meet her since they share a child in common. Tell him why it is important to you. LISTEN to what he says. Maybe he has a valid reason. The question I guess you really have to ask yourself is do you trust him? Is your concern that there is something up? That’s a far bigger question and concern that stretches through your entire relationship that you have to address.

  2. Kecia Maddocks says:

    Hello Judge Lynn,

    I’m very honored to at least know that you read my Question. With that said I would like to know if it is wise to stay with a man when he tells you “I don’t know if I want you as my girlfriend anymore” How should I take that? If you cangive me some insight on that one. Hurt and confused

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I would take it at face value. He might mean just that “I don’t want you as my girlfriend anymore” but wanted to soften the blow. Then again he could be saying it because he wants you to work harder at making him happy or keep you off balance to maintain a power advantage. Or maybe he is just is conflicted and is not sure.

      I can’t tell you what to do because I know neither him nor you but if it were me I would so “okay, I’m moving on,should you decide call, then I’ll tell you whether or not I’m still interested.” WHY? Either you love me or you don’t: If you’re not sure, if you’re making a power move, if you really want to go and just can’t say – doesn’t make a difference. None of those possible scenarios are acceptable to me.

      My mother always told me never beg anyone to be with you nor make a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once. If it were me I’d move on believing that if he really does want me he will turn and pursue, if he doesn’t then he didn’t want me so I’ve lost nothing.

      Like I said, that’s just me. You are the only one who knows the whole back story and your comfort level. I will say this though, I have recovered from many a broken heart. I got left a lot back in the day (Was a lousy inattentive girlfriend) the ones who hung in there are the ones who really cared. The thing is I minimized the hurt by having a full life that any man was only a part of.

  3. Alicia Williams says:

    Dear Judge Lynn

    I am at my breaking point in my marriage. We seem to argue more than talk and any little issue turns into a battle. I really love my husband but I can’t continue with the arguments and the silence. We’ve tried everything with little to no success. It seems that everytime we take a step in the right direction, something comes along and pushes us 1000 steps back. Please help because I am lost and ready to give up!!

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Have you tried counseling? I know that is sometimes a tough sell but that can be a huge help. My husband and I have done it and it makes a difference.

      Other suggestions: Write down how you feel. Not complaints but about your love and concern for your marriage. Tell him you love him and want to talk. That kind of effort on your part may change the atmosphere.

      When there is no argument you should take his hand and say “I love you and hate how often we argue. Tell me what you want me to know. You stay calm I’ll really listen and try to get you at least some of what you want. Then you can do the same for me.”

      No one is MADE to argue. It is a decision you make. Usually quickly and without much thought because you are angry but one person yelling does not require you to respond in kind. Stay calm and say. “I do not want to argue, when you can tell me the problem I’ll listen and really try to work it out.” sit calmly. It may take him a couple of times to get the feel of what you are doing but you have to keep it up.

      The problem most couples run into when they re arguing all of the time is that they are trying to change the other person. You can only change you. That doesn’t mean give in it means change your approach.

      Good luck.

  4. Cheryl Abney says:

    Just A few words to say hello! And to let you know how much I love your show your such a lovely person’s &i can tell you must be a happy person with much love for family your great smile lights up the whole room I wish you good luck with the show .how long do you think you’ll be doing the show? is it something that you really like doing ?does any of the shows help you with things in your life ? Have a great day I’ll be watching you today at 3:00 on channel 2 god bless you much love to you <3

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I love doing the show and I hope to stay on as long as I can! Thank you so much for the shout out. You have a great day!

  5. Sammy says:

    Hello judge Lynn! First, I would like to say I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE Divorce Court and you always look beautiful, from the makeup to the hair:). My question to you would be, is it possible to be as young as a I am(3 weeks shy of being 34),to be facing a mid-life crisis? I’m not sure if that’s what Im going through or if I’m just overwhelmed or even possibly suffering from depression. I have faced some major transitions and circumstances within the last couple of years and although I have survived through some of my storms, I still do not feel at ease with myself/life most of the times and the weight of the world is on my shoulders DAILY… I really don’t know which direction to take because its not just one thing, it’s several of things that makes me feel the way that I do.Would you suggest I seek counseling?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Before I say anything else though I will say this. You should feel good that you have such a grasp on what is happening to you emotionally. I know you don’t know what’s wrong exactly but you do acknowledge and see your stressors and are seeking to do something about it. That’s huge! A lot of people just feel – then do (Usually the wrong thing) with out stopping to examine how they feel. You did! Great first step.

      All changes in life cause stress. You have enough stressors at any age and there will be emotional repercussions. I am a HUGE fan of counseling. When I feel stressed I go. Sometimes the mere act of telling someone else what is going on and having them listen is helpful alone. Counselors can help you walk through how you feel and give you suggestions on how to cope.

      Good luck!!!!! I am routing for you.

  6. Sheilagg says:

    Hi JL , just another shout out.

    saw you on Ricki Lake, you are good, you aleays seem to no whats really going on! You da BOMB!! JL

    ocm here glad to see some activity over here.

    Peace & Blessings

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Thank you. And yes, I have been a little remiss on my web site. There are just soooooo much e-contact you have to do these days!! Thanks for the shout out. You have a great day.

  7. Alice Yanes says:

    Judge Lynn, I am most proud of you for home schooling your son and for being a positive influence in our community (every community we find ourselves residing in), I have a question but since you do not answer legal questions, I will save your having to tell me again. Just want to shout out to you and let you know that you are an inspiration to me.

  8. Jami says:

    I sure hope I have the right spot. I am in the process of a tense divorce.I know you can’t advise me, but is there away to find out other even through a lawyer if I can sue my husband for emotional distress or pain and suffering? If anyone deserves it I DO!!!

    Thank you so much and God bless you and yours,
    Jami

  9. ASHLEY says:

    I thought already posted this, but now I can’t find it. I need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now, and in the last year I notice I get questioned ALOT about when we are getting married. First of all, why not ask when we are getting engaged (let’s not skip steps). His family asks, people in my family, my doctor, a professor of mine, friends…..alot of people. I want him to ask, but I do not want him to feel pressured by others. It’s getting the point that I feel pressured. I don’t know what to say when they ask other than “that’s up to him”. It;s almost like they are saying “Dang why hasn’t he done it yet?” I realize if I tell people to stop asking they will assume there’s a problem between he and I. How do I get people to stop asking without giving them the wrong idea?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      I didn’t post it because I have yet to think a good answer for it! Don’t like to pretend I know something when I don’t. Does anybody else have some suggestions for Ashley?

      • Ashley says:

        LMAO Judge Lynn, you keep it so real.

      • Debra T says:

        Hi, Judge Toler:

        Just wanted to let you know that my self-employed Hubby and I enjoy your show almost everyday when I come home on my lunchbreak. We learn a few things and have a few chuckles in the process. Human nature is very entertaining, isn’t it? LOL
        We wish you all the best!

  10. Lashell Hall says:

    I am married and have been for 7 years. We have been together for 18 years. I have a child by a previous relationship and so does he. We have a son together that’s 15 and he cheated and had a daughter that’s 8 now. We married a year after she was born. My concern is that another woman has came to us saying that her and my husband have a 6 year old son together. She bacame pregnant a few months before we married. I am not sure what to do in this situation. He has a paternity test scheduled soon. I am so hurt but I really love him. What should I do Judge Lynn?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Lashell, the first thing you need to do is remember that your value is determined by what you do and not what people do to you. No matter the outcome of the test you have to move forward, live, be strong define yourself beyond your relationship with him. It’s hurtful but you can’t change it so you have to decide that no matter what the tests shows you are not going to let it level you.

      Then you deal with what is. Get strong and make decisions you can live with that are not dictated by hurt but by what you want and need. Has he behaved himself since? Is a mistake 7 yrs ago enough to out weigh whatever is good?
      Or is this an ongoing thing? Can you live with that? Some people can others can’t. You have to know what you want your life to be like and aim for that.

      Not much help but it’s all I have.

  11. Anna says:

    Hi Judge Lynn!! I’m going to be very short as possible as I know you get 1000′s of question’s everyday. I’ve been with my boyfriend since October 2011. We have lived together since December 2011. I am on a fixed income and he works one weekend a month and 2.5 weeks a year serving our Country. I don’t want marriage ever and neither does he. I have taken care of his needs for 80% of time we have been together. He was lazy, slept until 3pm up until 3am play video games, watch t.v., etc. I had to buy his cigarettes, snacks, soda and, more. Because he didn’t make that much money every month. I’ve even had to pay for his gas to make it to the job once a month. When we first were together 10 days he was on the internet finding women to meet up with granted I have no proof he has cheated I don’t say that he has cheated but I do not know for a fact. I’ve caught him talking to his ex when we were fighting. It hurt me bad he has threatened to leave me many times because of me finding thing’s he has looked at or me thinking he is sneaky in his actions. He recently got a job finally after quitting the last one 8 months ago after working there for 3 weeks. My question is am I so wrong to tell him that I want to end our relationship if he ever decides to go overseas to active duty? I know his plan’s while overseas they include buying multiple gadgets with internet access. I trust him but, I don’t trust the online world he would get involved with. While over there I’m going to be alone and “saving myself pleasurably ” but, I know he will lie and say he is too but,…..he won’t be. I’ll be having to text or call him every move I make I already have to most times I go away without him. Is it best I end all this now?

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Only you can answer that question. Here’s some things to think about while you consider what you are going to do:

      1. what are you getting out of the relationship? Does he add to your life and happiness?

      2. Did he make any major life changes for you because he thought you were going to stay together?

      3. What do you want? Do you see the two of you heading in a direction that you want to go?

      You have the right to be happy. You have the right to move forward and out of a relationship if it is not what you want. It’s hard being with someone you don’t trust because trust is such an important part of a relationship. It seems you only trust him in the absence of temptation. Ask yourself is that really trust?

      If you think you are better with him than without you need to deal with those trust issues in a meaningful way and he has to be willing to do it with you. If he adds to you and you guys just need to work things through then actually work on that stuff, don’t just stay miserable. You know what I mean. Tell him that getting that right is necessary to maintaining a relationship.

      You can’t be in this thing alone though. He has to be an active participant.

      Though you don’t say this and I have no reason to think you’re concerned I like to tell anyone: If you are at all worried about his reaction if you break up or are scared, talk to a local Domestic violence group. They can help you do whatever you need to do safely.

      A relationship has to add to you not just take from you. Only you can decide if one out weighs the other.

      Good Luck!

  12. It is hard to come across knowledgeable persons on this subject, but you sound like you know what you are talking about! Thanks

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  13. Lynda says:

    Just saying hello JLT

    Omg omg!! I am sooo happy to find the blog, thought I lost you guys! Now sort of regaining my state of mind after a really rough 2012. Anyone dealing with loss by suicide will understand. Had total uproot from one part of the island to another, transition is never easy!

    Hope all is well with you and the OCM’s (don’t think im considered OCM lol). Take care and keep good.

    L:ove Always!

  14. Niecy beckwith says:

    At the end of the case you say there will be no recovery in this matter. What does that mean? Does thaorcet mean the divorce is granted?

  15. Mike Collins says:

    My mother and I watch your show occasionally. We like the show, however, we noticed that your lips look like you just ate some greasy chicken. It really distracts from the rest of your which of course is notr a good thing. You are a very attractive person, but too much lip gloss may not be a good thing for some.

    • Judge Lynn says:

      Thank you Mike. My mother told me to tell you that she agrees with you and YOUR mother. Next season will be different.

  16. I left my wife of 28 plus year after being covected by God for not being faithful in the marraige over the years .She doesnt understand what happen, the more i try to explain the more angry she gets, she thinks i left for another women but thats not the case i left because i couldnt be faithful to her, im filling for divorce next week. Judge Lynn do you think she will let me go i was a ok provider but nothing to wite about. so if you have any advice i would like to hear what you have to say

    • Judge Lynn says:

      You were her whole life and after giving you all she had you left . . . She is devastated no matter what the reason, whether you left her for one woman or because you wanted to be with a number of them doesn’t matter. She won’t all of a sudden be okay with it if you convince her it is one and not the other.

      Being married is not about the money (so whether you were just an okay provider doesn’t matter). You want to make her feel better about it so you can feel better about it. But it is what it is: a deep and abiding loss and breach of faith and trust. I don’t know how to fix that.

      • Stella says:

        Judge Lynn, excuse my language, but u an’t nothin but the TRUTH!…soooo much wisdom, and the tact and tongue to boot!…never can get enough of your insight…wish your show was an hour long…accolades to you!

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