This is me at around 4, I believe.  At that age I was indeed:

A FULL PLATE OF WEIRD WITH A SIDE OF CRAZY

You can’t fight a problem you don’t face.  My mother saw it coming and wasn’t afraid to call it what it was.  What she did was help me become emotionally intelligent.  This article talks about that.  I think what she did for me can help a lot of people.  That’s the concept behind my book:

MY MOTHER’S RULES

http://www.amazon.com/My-Mothers-Rules-Practical-Emotional/dp/1932841229/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1240783999&sr=1-1

Here’s a quick peek at what I mean.  I call it Cockpit Cool:

COCKPIT COOL

Most of us see how we feel as something that just happens. Happy, sad, frightened, angry, it all comes naturally.  It’s not something we cultivate; it is something that simply is.

I contend however that emotions are raw material that can be molded, refined and directed. We can feel one thing, decide it’s not helpful, then elect to feel otherwise. We can decide whether or not we’ll get angry.  We can learn to wrangle, then conquer fear.   I even believe that we can alter our base emotional personality – not completely – but significantly.  This last one I deem possible because it is something I’ve done myself.

My mother often tells the story of the night she lay in bed with my dad.  Wordless they stared at the ceiling until my father broke the silence, “What,” he asked in quiet concern, “are we going to do about Lynn?”

Convinced the world was an incendiary place that picked people out at random and burned them up alive I couldn’t leave the house.  Full of cascading fears and obsessive thoughts, I’d get so wrapped up in some small, remote, irrational worry I’d become paralyzed. I was once escorted home from school hysterical because Mrs. Dudash said get out your pencils and I couldn’t find mine.  Later, I took up residence in a closet and refused to leave because it wasn’t safe.

While that is who I was born to be it is not who I am. Once unable to rationalize my way out of a closet, I now regularly chase storms.  I am, in fact, a woman to whom others now go for good advice and calm.  I became a judge at 33, and now I host my own television show.

How did I do it? you ask.  What wisdom got me out of the closet and eventually placed me on the bench?

Neither medication nor meditation authored my new found calm. Pop psychology was not involved nor were years of getting the real thing.  The answer is simply this I have an extraordinary mother who is a master of an art most people don’t even see as a skill.  Duchess (my mother) approaches her emotional life as if it is a separate field of study.  She’s learned to step away from what’s happening around her and decide how she will feel.  She can identify any budding emotion before it can over take her. Then she makes an objective decision whether she’ll entertain it.  Unfettered by her own emotional static she has a clear vision of those around her. She sees not only what they do but understands how they feel.  This knowledge combined with her ability to make others feel as she would like allows her to manage those around her almost as well as she manages herself.

I call my mother’s innate ability Cockpit Cool.  It is that airline pilot personality, you know, the one you can’t fully appreciate until you hear pilots talking in situations in which only the black box survives.  These guys are working, thinking, yet never raising their voices, until . . . well, you know.  My mother maintains this kind of emotional control right here on terra firma.  And I contend that if we practice what she knows we can do it too. I know it helped me turn who I was into someone I’d rather be. And while I admit I have yet to attain Cockpit Cool I am Cruising Altitude Even which  – given my tumultuous emotional make up – is quite the accomplishment.

Here’s the thing: In a society where acts of unfettered rage are common place and people routinely call 911 because their fast food order was wrong, I believe that becoming emotionally educated is as important as learning to read.  Besides wouldn’t you like to develop a greater immunity to the ups and downs of life? Wouldn’t you like to remain a little more steady when the world takes an unexpected tilt?  Join me here and together we can learn to think our way through how we feel and become Cockpit Cool, like mom.

JLT

LOSING NINETEEN

BY JUDGE LYNN C.  TOLER

I lost Nineteen again today.  Abandoning himself to that wasteland we offhandedly call ‘the system’, he just walked away – casually  – like it was no big deal.  Some claim I shouldn’t say I lost him, though, considering what I do.  While I am a Black woman, I am also the person appointed to balance the books, which means, that, on this particular day, I am the one sending Nineteen to jail.

I am a judge in an inner-ring suburb, a place where middle-class stability stands in the shadow of urban distractions.  Here, Black, male and Nineteen is required to face the same dilemma every day; “Do I work and wait like momma said, or join the party down the street?”  Forced to choose before the calm sets in, Nineteen picks the wrong one.  Next thing you know, he’s standing before me, wondering what all the fuss is about.

It’s important to know that I am a municipal judge. Handling minor matters, I deal with assault, drug possession and carrying a concealed weapon charges.  Unfortunately, the size of the cases I see occasionally confuses Nineteen.  He views his mistake as a little thing that doesn’t warrant much concern.  I, on the other hand, see it as a small down payment on an incredible cultural cost.  “What’s with making me look for a job?” he asks.  “Why do I have to go back to school in order to stay out of jail?”  I’m fighting to keep the boy from becoming a statistic, and he doesn’t even care. So I plead, not for Nineteen to obey the law, but for him to do right by me.

“You owe every Black woman who cares for you an obligation you won’t be able to repay if you’re working off some ill-gotten debt to a society you don’t owe,’ I tell him. Some listen.  Most don’t.  My successes are few; I decide to give up at least once a week.  But I keep pressing because I don’t want to leave stranded the few I do manage to help. Those wins notwithstanding, my frustrations remain.

Just yesterday, one asked me to stop bothering him.  “You’re not my mother,” he said. “Why are you messing with me?  Just let me do my time.” Lots of them, in fact, ask me to leave them alone.  They tell me, “It ain’t no thing.”  But, more often than not, the phrase that I hear is the chilling “I can jail.”

Of course, I know I only see the problems.  Nineteen represents himself, well, in large numbers everywhere.  I have seven I claim outright, you know – not currently Nineteen – but Black and male.  One I married; four came with him, and two I produced on my own.  The older ones have already been Nineteen.  They’ve had their troubles, but they’re all okay now.  The ones I made myself, however, are still young; they have a lot to learn.

Living well in a world that does not always see your clearly is a difficult thing to do.  My boys must be able to ignore those who ridicule their efforts to do well in school while remaining strong even among those who find that strength intimidating.  Tough lessons, these, but they must learn them if they are going to do Nineteen the right way.  I don’t want them standing before some judge who may see them as a statistic.  If they mess around and get before the wrong guy, then where will they be?

Jail, of course, is the answer to that question.  The very same place that I wound up sending Nineteen today.  Frustrated because I can’t fix the world, and Nineteen won’t let me help him live better in it, I

shake my head, but must move on.  I have thirty more cases to hear.

“To jail or not to jail?” that is the question.  How hard am I supposed to try without his help? Doesn’t he see how so much of the harm he causes lands right in some sister’s lap? That is why I told Nineteen he owed me. “Consider the sisters in your life,” I say.  “It isn’t always about you”.  Then I remind him that, whether or not he understands it, when you jail, we do to.THESE ARE MY BOYS MANY YEARS AGO . . .  I PUT THIS ARTICLE ON THE WALL IN BOTH OF THEIR ROOMS WHEN THEY BECAME TEENAGERS.

I haven’t done an Ask Judge Lynn in a while; things were a little hectic – still are.  That said I have had a couple of requests so I thought I’d do it again.  Things to remember:

1.  I can’t answer legal questions.  This is more of a life-coach kind of Q&A.

2.  I can’t get to all of them but I will do as many as I can that I think I have a good answer to.  SO PLEASE DON’T GET OFFENDED IF I DON’T ANSWER YOURS!  :-O

3. The questions I do answer will be posted here with the answer.  Since I do them personally sometimes it takes me a while to get to them.

In the interim, ALL OF THE BEST TO ALL OF YOU!

Judge Lynn

After I got over the initial fear I feel very empowered about the whole thing.  I KNOW he’s learning (not goofing around in class) because I am right there.

He has to work.  And I think I choose more challenging work.  I am excited . . .

Anyway mad props to all of you Home schoolers and thanks for the support!

Hello all,

I get a lot of questions from people so every once in a while I like to do an

ASK JUDGE LYNN

I get a lot of questions so I can’t answer them all.  Also I can’t do it privately . . . If you have a question leave it as a comment on this post.  If it one I
think I have a good answer to I’ll post the comment and my response.

JLT

I had a great trip out east.   I was on  the Wendy Williams Show, The Morning Buzz and Showbiz Tonight along with local appearances on morning news in Philly and NYC.

Since I have returned I answered several questions that some of you have asked as comments to my prebious post: “Ask JudgeLynn”   So you might want to check those comments if you have asked me a question.

If you want to ask one now just add a comment to this post.  I can’t get to them all but I will answer those that I think I have a useful response to.

You guys have a great day!

I get a lot of questions on Twitter and Facebook but there’s just not enough room or characters to answer them there. So here’s where you should submit them.

I wish I could answer them all – I really do – but I can’t.

I answer as many as I think I have a good answer to. I won’t tell you what to do but I can share the things you ought to think about and what I’ve known and seen.

Remember:

I can’t contact people personally.

Please don’t write a book

Please don’t get mad if I can’t get to your question, I am only one person!

All the best – Judge Lynn

I get a lot of questions on here from women who are at their wit’s end.  They are in relationships with men that they describe as one-sided or unloving.  They list all of the things they are not getting, follow that with the declaration that they love him and then they ask me what to do.

It’s almost impossible to tell someone what to do without know who they and their man are.  I think about it a lot because I feel their pain and do so which to give them guidance.  I think more than anything else I would like to say the following to the women who write here from this dark and desperate place:

1. There is no one thing anybody can do or say to make another person change.  You teach people how to teach you with actions and consistency over time.  It does not mean that it is your fault that you are not treated well. Quite the contrary, people are responsible for hurt they cause others.  Those who take advantage of those who they claim they love are people I have a hard time respecting.  The thing is what can you do about it?

1. Typically words are not enough.  They are a necessary component to communicating needs but that has to be backed up with your own sense of strength and actions consistent with what you want.  However, when you do talk you must do so at a time where there is no argument and you are not upset.  When everything is okay you can come at your concerns calmly and with a request.  A specific one.  Here’s an example “When you do x it makes me feel like you don’t love me.  Could you instead do y?”

1. Don’t allow the situation to devolve into an argument.  If he goes there tell him “I se you are angry and that is not my intent.  We can talk about this later when we can both approach this as adults.”

This is just the beginning.  There is a whole lot to changing a dynamic between 2 people.

My book Making Marriage Work, (you can get it on Amazon or at local book stores) discusses a lot of this stuff in detail and it is not just for married couples.  It is for people who want to better manage relationships.

I can’t re-write it here. (It took me 2 years to complete) I can only get you started and scratch the surface.  I’ll come back to this issue in a later post.

It talks about relationships . . . how to make them work.

It also tells you what I learned from being with Big E for 25 years.

I call that Chapter: I Already Made That Mistake!

You can get it at Amazon.com

I can’t answer legal questions.

I can’t contact people personally.

And usually I get so many questions I can only answer a few – so please don’t get offended if I do not get to yours.

But if you want a second set of eyes on a relationship issue I would be more than happy to share my thoughts to questions I think I have a good answer to.

Also please, please don’t write me a book.

So ask if you have a mind to . . . . .