I got this question on my Facebook page and I thought it was a good one. So I am going to give you my take on this issue:
Here’s the question:
“I keep hearing people say that you have to know how to seduce soughta speak a man to get things to work in your favor or you have to just hold your tongue and smile as if there is some special technique I don’t get it I’m not that type of woman to put up and shut up I speak my mind and I’m not about to baby a man or overly stroke his ego I guess I’m doomed for failure because that’s just not me and I know men like women who are soft spoken less attitude and says everything in a seducing way and when I’m upset I like to tell it like it is all the sweetness goes out the window I don’t know if I need a specific kinda man that can handle me or I need to change and get with program what do you think?”
Before I talk about the man/woman thing I need to address communication in general. My mother taught me this and I used it when I was on the bench in a municipal court where I had to talk to a whole lot of different people and get them to understand not only what I was going to do to them but why. I found that it is very helpful.
Hollering, get nasty, angry, letting it all go is not an effective form of communication. (Sometimes it is necessary but not as often as most people think).
When a person hollers, the individual getting yelled at does not search between the epithets in an effort to determine the validity of your position. They don’t down turn down the volume of a rant in their heads in an effort to see how much sense it makes. They are being attacked and they do what comes natural: defend. That is not the state of mind you want someone to be in if you are trying to convince them of something.
In order to be more successful at convincing people of things you have to learn how to stay cool and make yourself understood. Moreover, in an argument when someone does nothing but tell you their position, the other person simply continues to state his because he thinks you didn’t understand what he said.
That’s why you should start where they are. Re-state the person’s position in your own words so they know you heard them and slowly walk them home. Something like “I understand what you’re telling me and I appreciate your position but it doesn’t work for me because . . . ” See MMR26.
You have to work to learn to be an effective communicator in the face of disagreement. Anger is easy. It makes you feel better right away. Learning to see what the other person is saying and working toward you goal is a skill that has to be practiced.
Now for the man woman thing. Yes, men and women communicate differently in many ways. All men and women don’t exhibit the same communication tendencies to the same degree but there are trends.
That having been said. Rule 26 tends to bridge those gaps because it is a people rule not a gender rule. I used to think it was only a choice between giving in and getting angry with E. I chose the former for a long time and it just didn’t work out.
So I changed. I began to stand my ground calmly and cooly. Didn’t give in. Didn’t get loud. Then I made sure we talked about the way we talked to each other when we weren’t arguing about anything.
I do have these things I have learned though about talking to men that has helped me:
1. Be direct. Not loud but use declarative sentences that have action verbs in them. ”Babe, I need you to (place verb here) . . .”
2. I do say why but only after I’ve said what.
3. I try to keep it short.
4. And in my mother’s words “Whatever you do, stay on topic and don’t let him rattle you.”
It works for me. Every person is different though but it doesn’t matter who you are with if what you are doing isn’t working you need to try something else. It doesn’t mean you are changing who you are it means you are developing a new skill.
That is what inventors do. They have an idea and if it doesn’t work they keep tinkering with it – trying new stuff – until they hit on something that does.
My thoughts. Hope they helped.