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Self Esteem III: Expanding Your Self Esteem Sources

March 23, 2015 Uncategorized 12 Comments

 

Often when people find themselves caught in a relationship where they do not feel valued they get stuck on getting this one significant source to change his/her attitude toward them.

It is natural. Your marriage or your relationship with your significant other is the most intimate and constant one you have. It is hard to feel okay when the one person whose opinion means most to you doesn’t have a very high opinion of you (Or at least he doesn’t appear to)

You can’t change other people. People will however change when their circumstances do. You have to put yourself in a position of feeling better about yourself. 

The easier way to get started on that is to focus on other sources of feedback. The bigger your life is the more ways you’ll have to feel good about yourself. If it’s volunteering in your church, taking a course, reading a book, exercising … anything that focuses on you in a positive light  – do it.

They internet is a great place to start.. Not social media (Which is again looking for someone else to define your value) but they have so many fascinating things going on. Get good at something you’ve always wanted to do. Or just enjoy doing something even if you don’t do it well. The process of getting better at anything makes you feel better about everything. I can’t draw. Always wanted to. So one day I googled how to draw a sphere on youtube.  It sounds stupid but it focuses on something you can control. Adds to you …

 

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Support in groups are also good. When you get together with friends don’t spend all that time talking about all that unhappy you have going on at the house. Of course, you have a right to talk about it and you should share, but also uplift and branch out. What could the two of you do today that will make that feel small?

Just saying, work on those things that can work up your self worth without it having to work on him. When you change how you feel you change how you respond. It will help change how much what he does or does not do stings …

It is not a solution but a start. That alone, getting off dead stop center will help you feel better ….

 

Self Esteem II: Whittled Away Women

March 21, 2015 Uncategorized 5 Comments

Since I’ve started this Ask Judge Lynn thing I have gotten a lot of questions from women who, though their circumstances may be different, are feeling the same way. It’s something I often saw on Divorce Court and I call it The Whittled Away Woman.

Because I received so many posts about this and have so much to say about it I thought I would do a general reply that is longer  – as a part of my Self Esteem Series for women.

Lets me make this clear: This is not an anti man thing …. I firmly believe that if you root  for any one side of the gender divide both sides lose. I also believe that women and men are different.  We have different ways of feeling, different societal expectations and different types of pressures. Sometimes you have to address that. That’s what I am doing here.

Here’s what I’m hearing from Women I call Whittled Away:

They tell me that they are in a relationship (usually for a number of years) and as the years go by they feel less and less loved and valuable. They feel like they are working on a relationship all by themselves, that their partner seems to have little respect for their wants and needs and anything she does or says that is not what he wants, at best, goes Unheard or worse yet, results in anger.

They love the other person but they feel no love in return. They are trying hard, making compromises but it still doesn’t get them anywhere.

 

Dismissed, too, is what I often hear. Almost all of them have said something to their husbands or significant other about how they feel. They tell me their husband did not understand and instead of asking or considering what they said, their need was labeled as crazy, hysterical, over emotional, something she needs to get over. Needs not his are not only ignored but belittled.

Many of them expressed and ever growing doubt in their own value. Having gotten streams of negative input they start to question their own worth. They’ve lost their confidence. “How could I be any good if the guy I love more than life itself does nothing but criticize me?”

If this is you let me say this:

A. You are not alone, nor are you crazy or foolish.

B. More often than not the guy you’re with loves you more than he shows … but he’s gotten stuck. People do what works for them and sometimes when someone  (anyone) starts to get their way by being persistently negative, quick to anger or by ignoring others wants, it becomes a habit.

C. The GOOD NEWS: There are things you can do other than taking it or leaving the relationship. There are changes you can try in an effort to take the edges off the hurt and slowly work your way back to a more reasonable relationship ….. most of the time … not all of the time. Nothing works for everyone.

D. This is a place where you can come to share ideas and get encouragement.

E. But NONE OF THIS APPLIES TO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS!!!  go to GoPuple.org or any domestic violence site and learn about what an abusive relationship is.

This is for women caught in the washing machine of a lopsided marriage who want to feel better about themselves and feel like they matter in their own home.

I hope the fact that you have read this and know you are not alone helps a little. It’s a complicated thing and there are a whole lot of different ways to approach it… Some will work for you some will work for others.

Share your stories. Share your ideas on how to make it better and I will share mine.

YOU MATTER.

Stay strong,

JLT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Judge Lynn: “I Don’t Want To Talk To My Mother-In-Law To Be”

March 18, 2015 Ask Judge Lynn 12 Comments

QUESTION:

Hi Judge,

I have been with my fiance for over 3 years and we’re planning on getting married but his mother does not like me because he moved in with me. He suggested that we have a meeting with her but I’m not comfortable around his family and I would like your advice.

thanks

Tiarra

ANSWER:

You fiancé is right. If you marry this guy you are going to be a part of his family. You have to attempt to create a workable relationship with them.

Marriage is grown folks’ business. That means you have to be adult enough to sit down and work out your differences with other people. Even if it doesn’t work you have to be adult enough to try. What else can you do, spend your entire marriage ducking and dodging some of the most important people in your husband’s life? Talk about putting stress on a marriage. Time to woman up! Sit down and talk it out. And go with a positive attitude. Do it for the man you say you love so much you want to spend the rest f your life with him.

Ask Judge Lynn: “He Won’t Give Me His Address”

March 18, 2015 Ask Judge Lynn 3 Comments

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QUESTION:

Good evening Judge Toler,

I met a young man lately who expressed that he would like us to build a relationship with me.  When we met he said he is married, but separated and there is no chance of reconciliation.  The state requires separation for one year before they can file for divorce.  I explained to him that I never want to get involved with a married man.  He continued to explain that the marriage is over.  The problem I have is that, he visits me at least once a week, we talk by phone regularly, but he does not want me to know where he lives.  I confront him about it, wondering if he is still with his wife and children.  He continues saying that he is not, but wants to know that I am the one to have a serious relationship with before he does.  He says it is also because his children are still young.  I don’t understand what one has to do with the other if they don’t live together.  I really don’t feel comfortable having him visit if he doesn’t feel that I am worthy of having his address.  I do not want to do check on him or show up unannounced, but I feel I have a right to know where he lives, how he lives and if he is living with someone.  What should I do.

ANSWER:

I can’t tell you want to do because I don’t know this guy. I most certainly don’t have feelings for him so I have nothing to weigh the absurdity of his position against.

But hear and see what you told me:

He can’t trust you with his address! That’s a huge blustering, blowing red flag right there. He doesn’t want you to know where he lives. How can you trust a guy that can’t trust you with that?

His marriage is over BUT he has to wait until he’s sure your relationship is serious before he really makes his move. If his marriage is over it’s over whether you two are serious or not. Can you hear the alarm bells?

HIS CHILDREN ARE YOUNG! …. And there’s the fire alarm. That will be true for a while. That’s his trump card. “I have to put my kids first!” he can say that for years.

What’s the point in checking up on him? If he doesn’t trust you with his address, there’s no reason to know why. The fact that he doesn’t want you to know where he lives tells you everything you need to know.

You answered your own question when you said:

“I really don’t feel comfortable having him visit if he doesn’t feel that I am worthy of having his address”

I think your head already knows what your heart doesn’t want to believe. Besides if you move on and he really cares he’ll do what you need to trust him. If he doesn’t you haven’t missed a thing.

Forgiveness

March 17, 2015 Uncategorized 4 Comments

I received a question on Ask Judge Lynn that I thought would be good to share with everyone. Someone had a question about one of my tweets my tweet which was

#Forgiveness is a peaceful thing. It neither excuses nor rationalizes. It just frees you from the emotional baggage of other’s wrongs. 

She asked me how to forgive someone who hasn’t asked for it.

Here’s the thing. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person acknowledging their wrong. It’s all about how the person who has been wronged decides to feel about it. You forgive someone when you decide to let go of the hurt feelings the offense caused and no longer hold it against the other person.

The beauty of it is the other person isn’t involved. Forgiveness is YOUR POWER to take not theirs to give.

I know it is neither an easy nor instinctual thing to do but it’s a decision that you make about how you want to live. Do you want to hold on to an emotion that is doing you harm or are you going to let it go and be peaceful? It doesn’t mean you let people run over you but it does mean that you no longer volunteer to carry around the hurt caused by something that already occurred.

If you need to say your piece to that person before you let it go that’s cool. But if saying your piece will do more harm than good write it down on a piece of paper then tear it up. Let your feelings out and move on.

Doesn’t mean you have to keep taking stuff off that person. If someone is toxic to you or keeps doing you wrong you have to draw your line with that person even if it’s a matter of cutting them out of your life so they won’t continue to hurt you. But once you’ve made your move let it go ….

As my mother used to say “You can stay mad if you want to but I don’t let people I don’t like mess up my day.”

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