The Blog:

Housekeeping and Homework

March 13, 2015 Uncategorized 2 Comments

First the Housekeeping

As you know this blog thing is a work in progress. I am trying to keep my blog topics e  Ask JudgeLynn advice thing separate. So …..

1. Several of you gave me some good suggestions. I am implementing some of them.  The first is that I’ve added a separate Ask Judge Lynn section to this page. (see above) So all requests for advice should go there.

2. Again, I am a lone soul on this site so I can’t get to every question. Please do not be offended. I do the best I can with the time I have.

3. NO rudeness or wretchedness …(Actually you guys have been great) but every once in a while …

Second Homework

No, I am not going to ask you to write a paper. I want to talk about something Vernon said. He commented earlier that he felt men were getting bashed a bit (That’s my word not his) by some of the comments made after my Weirdness at The Grocery Store Post.

He wanted to get some time for the good guys out there. I wanted to honor that. Because it’s true. Lots of good men out there. I am always afraid when we speak about a certain trend that people who belong to the larger group (in this case men) get offended because we discuss a subset of that group (men like the guy at the grocery store)

I talk about relationships a lot and when I do gender comes up. It concerns me that there is so much Us vs. Them … Women vs. Men out there.

That’s why I want to talk about Homework. The work we do at home. My mantra?

Neither side wins if the other side loses.

I’ve been married 25 years:

Screen Shot 2012-07-29 at 9.26.53 AMThere are times we worked with each other.

There were times we worked on each other.

There are some very dude like things he does that annoy the living daylights out of me. Every time he does one I remind myself of some of the stuff I do that probably annoy him.

Like this blogging business!!! LOL

Just want everyone to know that I am big on giving both sides their due.

I am also a believer that if you’re not married or are alone that there is happiness in that as well. So I am going  talk about other stuff too.  

Well that’s it for today ….

You guys have a great Friday.

JLT

 

Thinking Your Way Through How You Feel

March 12, 2015 Uncategorized 12 Comments

Cockpit Cool

Most of us see how we feel as something that just happens. Happy, sad, frightened, angry, it all comes naturally. It’s not something we cultivate; it is something that simply is.

I contend, however, that emotions are raw material that can be molded, refined and directed. We can feel one thing, decide it’s not helpful then elect to feel otherwise. We can decide whether or not we’ll get angry. We can learn to wrangle then conquer fear.   I even believe that we can alter our base emotional personality – not completely – but significantly. This last one I deem possible because it is something I’ve done myself.

My mother often tells the story of the night she lay in bed with my dad. Wordless they stared at the ceiling until my father broke the silence, “What,” he asked in quiet concern, “are we going to do about Lynn?”

Convinced the world was an incendiary place that picked people out at random and burned them up alive I couldn’t leave the house. Full of cascading fears and obsessive thoughts, I’d get so wrapped up in some small, remote, irrational worry I’d become paralyzed. I was once escorted home from school hysterical because Mrs. Dudash said get out your pencils and I couldn’t find mine. Later, I took up residence in a closet and refused to leave because it wasn’t safe.

While that is who I was born to be it is not who I am. Once unable to rationalize my way out of a closet, I now regularly chase storms. I am, in fact, a woman to whom others now go for good advice and calm. I became a judge at 33, and now I host my own television show.

How did I do it? you ask. What wisdom got me out of the closet and eventually placed me on the bench?

Neither medication nor meditation authored my new found calm. Pop psychology was not involved nor were years of getting the real thing. The answer is simply this I have an extraordinary mother who is a master of an art most people don’t even see as a skill. Duchess (my mother) approaches her emotional life as if it is a separate field of study. She’s learned to step away from what’s happening around her and decide how she will feel. She can identify any budding emotion before it can over take her. Then she makes an objective decision whether she’ll entertain it. Unfettered by her own emotional static she has a clear vision of those around her. She sees not only what they do but understands how they feel. This knowledge combined with her ability to make others feel as she would like allows her to manage those around her almost as well as she manages herself.

I call my mother’s innate ability Cockpit Cool. It is that airline pilot personality, you know, the one you can’t fully appreciate until you hear pilots talking in situations in which only the black box survives. These guys are working, thinking, yet never raising their voices, until . . . well, you know. My mother maintains this kind of emotional control right here on terra firma. And I contend that if we practice what she knows we can do it too. I know it helped me turn who I was into someone I’d rather be. And while I admit I have yet to attain Cockpit Cool I am Cruising Altitude Even which – given my tumultuous emotional make up – is quite the accomplishment.

Here’s the thing: In a society where acts of unfettered rage are common place and people routinely call 911 because their fast food order was wrong, I believe that becoming emotionally educated is as important as learning to read. Besides wouldn’t you like to develop a greater immunity to the ups and downs of life? Wouldn’t you like to remain a little more steady when the world takes and unexpected tilt? Join me here and together we can learn to think our way through how we feel and become Cockpit Cool, like mom.

JLT

 

 

 

 

Weirdness at the Grocery Store

March 11, 2015 Uncategorized 74 Comments

So here’s what happened:

I was going to the grocery store (for the thousandth time this week – I never get it right – which is a post for another day.) Anyway I had on a baseball hat and sunglasses. A guy stops when I get out of the car and looks at me.

He says: “Hi, how ya doing?”

I say “Fine, how are you?”

He approaches me, “Not so good I just found out I have to go to jail. I don’t have anybody on the outside. Can I talk to you?”

Me, “I’m sorry to hear that.”  I walk on.

It was clear he didn’t recognize me.  Here’s the thing: the only thing I could come up with is that this guy actually thought that some random woman would hook up with him so she could care for him while he’s in jail. He opened with that line. Not an “You’re cute” or a “hey Baby” My first response was “Oh my! Are things that bad out there that he actually thought this approach might work?”

I mean to start out with by saying essentially: I have nothing to offer you, not even my physical presence, but will you hook up with me and do for me? as if it might really work.

Did I miss something? Am I that out of the loop?

Just wondering ….Photo on 9-3-14 at 4.56 PM

 

 

 

Ask Judge Lynn: Parent and Adult Child Relationship

March 11, 2015 Ask Judge Lynn 1 Comment

Question:

“I am a 30-year-old woman who works and takes care of herself. As a child, my parents would always put me down. In fact, my parents continue to put me down as an adult. My parents call me a failure because I do not make as much money as they would like me too. I am also called a failure because I refuse to help my parents with the money I do make. I have graduated law school but my parents say that I lied about going to law school. I have always taken care of myself. I am constantly put down precisely because my parents want me to give them money. It frustrates me and at times I start to believe that I am a failure. Seeing how much it damaged me mentally and emotionally, I have stopped speaking to my parents because they do not believe in me. I have had less stress as a result. Am I in the wrong for refusing to speak to my parents until and unless they start speaking positivity in my life?” — Ruth

Answer:

“So let’s see: You have graduated both high school and college. Now you have a doctorate in law. You’ve done that, it appears, without their help or support. Now THEY need YOU to give them money. I see failure here but not on your part.

Are you wrong to cut off ties with them? If all they bring to you is negativity, absolutely not. You have an obligation to take care of yourself.

Anybody can have kids. Anybody. You don’t have to be able, capable, kind or good; all you have to be is fertile. Parents are supposed to build you up and send you off. They are supposed to support, love and care for their kids. If they don’t want to behave like parents then that’s their choice. But along with that choice comes consequences.

You’ve done well in life and anybody who makes it their business to make you feel otherwise has got no business on your schedule.” — Judge Lynn

Jumped in the Deep end

March 11, 2015 Uncategorized 14 Comments

It appears I’ve done it again.  I had an idea … got all excited … jumped in the deep end  … and now I’m having trouble swimming back to shore.

I received a lot of wonderful questions when I did Ask Judge Lynn.  I answered many and I’m still getting more. I only intended to answer questions on an Ask Judge Lynn post day but the questions keep coming. Problem is I feel terrible when I can’t answer especially when people really spill their hearts out.

But alas …. I am only one person who happens to be lonnnnnng winded. So here’s what I am going to do I am going to do a general post that answers generally questions I get on non- Ask Judge Lynn Days.  I will do that today.

After this I will posts daily posts about stuff I would love to have a conversation about, hopefully giving this blog more broader appeal.

 

JLT

4-up on 12-25-14 at 9.31 AM (compiled)

 

Sign Up

Want to weigh in on the conversation? Sign up here.

Making Marriage Work

My Mother's Rules

Divorce Court

Categories

Archives