The Blog:

When You Don’t Love You

March 9, 2015 Uncategorized 26 Comments

Hello all,

When I did Ask Judge Lynn one of you asked me a question about women and self esteem – or more accurately the lack of it.  I thought it was a good idea and told her I would do a post on it. As the day went on and I received more comments from other women  – and one guy  – who felt valueless I decided it was not only a good idea but a very necessary one.

Problems like this are rarely simple to address. Even though they are common they have different sources. What I am going to do here is address as many common themes as I can.

I won’t be able to say all I have to say today. My response to this will be ongoing.

But let’s start here:

HOW YOU FEEL – A description of the varied ways in which people love the love of self.

1. The loss of self esteem usually occurs over time. It is like water on a rock. When you are the recipient of ongoing criticism (especially from a significant other) you begin to believe bit by bit, day by day that you are indeed the ongoing error the person you are with claims you are.

If your circumstances, money, kids, opportunity, neighborhood are all difficult. If you are under pressure underfunded and under attack at all times you start to feel under value and always at the edge of disaster. It wears on who you are and how you feel about yourself.

If you are with a domineer partner, one that sees any opinion other than theirs as an assault on them, and responds accordingly you begin to feel like the fact that you like blue makes you a bad person if s/he prefers green.

If you are isolated. If you have a life that has become very small.  If you only have one source of information by which to judge your worth. That happens often with a domineering partner or an overwhelmingly negative circumstance when you have or at least feel like you have very few options and all of the feedback you get is negative every which way you turn.

If you live with a nuclear responder a person who threatens to leave the relationship if you bought the wrong kind of ketchup, you’re likely to feel worn down. If there is yelling and screaming over the smallest thing the smallest things don’t seem worth the battle.  The next thing you know you you get none of your wants fulfilled n an effort to keep the peace.

These are the things I am seeing and the ones I intend to address. If YOU have an issue like this or you feel undervalued for other reasons please stay with me here and comment as we go along.

THE FIRST THING YOU HAVE TO KNOW:

You are not alone. Read the other comments here. Knowing how not alone you are will make you feel better.

There are things you can do.  My next blog on this will be about

Finding Your Little Piece of Sunny Sky During the Storm

It could happen to anyone… therefore it didn’t happen to you because you do not have any inherent worth.

 

Believe it or not … it happened to me …

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask Judge Lynn: Dealing with A Difficult Kid: Mother to Mother

March 8, 2015 Ask Judge Lynn Comments Off

Question:

“Hi, Judge Toler! My name is DeeDee.  I am an attorney and a single mother of an 8 year old boy, affectionately called, “Big E”. However, I have been having a lot of problems with him lately, which started his second grade school year.

Because of my line of work, I am consistently on my son about thinking things through and doing the right thing at all times. Nonetheless, I get calls and notes from his teacher almost every other day. He had one fight at school, and was sent to detention once; otherwise, he gets notes sent home for talking too much and for being out of his seat.

I don’t know what to do. Currently, he sees a behavioral therapist weekly. He talks to her about his behavior, he expresses that he knows his behavior is wrong, but we cannot get him to articulate the reason he does the things he do. His therapist and I are now at an impasse.

Recently, I discovered that he was taking money from my wallet every morning to buy concessions from school. As a result, I took him to the youth detention center where a guard, took the time to speak with him, advising him to do the right thing to stay out of jail and threatened to lock him up if he didn’t stop. Well, he promised us that he would be good and wouldn’t steal anymore, but I caught him stealing three times afterwards, and each time he caught a whipping.

I am at my wits end. I know where this child can end up if I don’t “nip it in the bud” soon, so to speak. I explain the incarceration statistics to him, but nothing I tell him seems to get through. I take him to church faithfully; he knows stealing is wrong, but nothing helps. (He is immune to the whippings.)

Judge Toler, I know you have raised all boys. Any help or advice you can give me is greatly appreciated.  I am so embarrassed by it all, I feel really ashamed of myself. Some folk in my family have talked about me behind my back and said some ugly things about my parenting to other people who are not even family members. Yes, I am an attorney and yes, my child should be better behaved, but I honestly don’t know where I went wrong.

I do not buy my son these expensive, name-brand “urban” clothing, I do not buy him Jordans, he does not even have any gaming systems! So, Judge, I really can’t tell you what went wrong. I don’t know how I ended up here. I have so much to say, but it would be incoherent if I tried to put it all into writing. Thanking you in advance, Judge Toler. I truly hope to hear from you soon!” — DeeDee

Answer:

“Hi DeeDee: First, don’t despair and don’t feel embarrassed. Kids are people too with a wide variety of personalities and issues. I have a tough kid. Love him to death. Wanted to choke him every other Thursday.

He is still a work in progress but the key word is progress. He’s getting somewhere other than the washing machine of “What have you done now?” in which we once lived.

Along the way we discovered he is really bright and we’re really strong. Like I said, don’t despair.

Second, here’s some things I would suggest:

  1. You said that you have taken him to a behavioral therapist and she was stumped. Remember one expert is just that: One person with one point of view and one way of doing things. You may have to keep searching. If this one person doesn’t have any answers go to someone else. If they don’t work move on again. If you knew how many experts we’ve seen you’d pass out.
  1. Maybe one of your whispering relatives might want to lend a hand. Next time you hear the commentary don’t get insulted. Use it as an opportunity to ask for help. “Yes, I know he’s a handful. I could really use some help with him…” Having a new perspective on a kid can always help. Having someone who is fresh and not exhausted deal with him from time to time could be of use too. They say it takes a village for a reason. Tap yours. Even if they don’t help the upside is if they know you’ll ask for help when they throw darts they’ll be less likely to do it.
  1. Whether or not your relatives are willing to help remember this. Don’t let frustrations or embarrassment leak into your parenting. It can show up without your knowing it; always be mindful. You said because of your profession you are consistently on him about his behavior. I don’t know, maybe it’s the way you phrased it, but could it be too much? Just saying , he’s 8. Have you been so afraid of what may happen you’ve laid on him so hard he’s acting up? (I have no idea – just throwing that out there.)
  1. Does he have a male role model that would be willing to be a presence in his life? Maleness is an otherness I would never pretend I fully understand. Sometimes having a dude in the picture helps. Do you have a brother or friend willing to step in with a consistent meaningful presence? It could only be occasionally but consistently. If so enlist him. Some bigger cities have mentoring programs. A male friend of mine did it. He just took this young boy a twice a month for a day. It made a difference.
  1. I know you probably do a lot with him that you did not have the time to write here. But what I always like to remind parents is sometimes it’s not what you tell you kids they can’t do that makes a difference but what you DO with them instead. Help him find a passion. Help him find something worth behaving correctly for. Sports, art, something that absorbs him so he’s not just the kid who gets things wrong. Find out what he’s good at so he’s not just the boy who can’t sit in his seat.
  1. Boys are better with actions than words. My husband was more successful with the Tough One because it was an action-based relationship. My husband wore him out with baseball. Kept him moving. To the extent we dodged the bullets we did (Lord knows we didn’t dodge them all) I think it is because he was so busy doing something physical that he enjoyed
  2. If whippings don’t work stop doing it. If it’s not a deterrent it just teaches hitting as a viable response to an issue.

These are some things just to help you think in other directions. I am sure there are others. But remember this. Eight is young. I am not surprised he can’t explain his behavior, he’s a kid. Little boys don’t think things through. They feel then they do. Give him something new to do.

I will tell you one thing my Tough One told me. He said after a while he decided that since he couldn’t get it right there was no reason to try. I felt awful for a while then I felt empowered. He wasn’t an enigma; he was frustrated. I don’t know if that is true for your son but I do know that you have to “get” your kid and he is not the sum total of the rules he can’t obey. BEST OF LUCK!” — JLT

Work In Progress

March 6, 2015 Uncategorized 9 Comments

Hello everyone.

My blog is a Work in Progress

I got a lot more comments than I anticipated… which is great!  Thank you.  It also opened my eyes to a glitch.  Well actually one of you did

Ms. S. posted a comment in which she referred to an earlier comment that was in moderation for a while and she wondered if that was normal.  It is …

I run this thing myself.  I got so many questions I was hanging on to posts until I could formulate an answer.  I can see that’s not going to work because I got a little swamped. So here’s what I’m going to do.  I will post comments as soon as I can and will go through them later.

Also I’d like to introduce topics and limit questions to Ask Judge Lynn Days.  Those will be days where I dedicate more time to this.  Even then, I can’t get to them all … and I won’t give an answer if I don’t have a good one.  The only thing worse than getting no arise is giving bad advice!  So please don’t be offended if I don’t answer. I have to pick and choose.

Tomorrow I think I’ll do the Positive Self Esteem Post…

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR GREAT RESPONSE!

 

JLT

 

Odd Ball Compliments That I enjoy

March 5, 2015 Uncategorized 20 Comments

Photo on 10-11-12 at 10.20 AMHello all!

I spent a fair amount of time answering questions and I still have some topics to go. These are topics more than one person asked me to talk about:

1. Problems that arise in relationships in which the woman is the primary breadwinner.

2. Positive words for people who aren’t feeling positive about themselves..

3. Couples in a lopsided relationship where one party feels like there is no room for their wants in their relationship.

I am working on those and should you have any comments join me.

The rules are: BE NICE. NO NAME CALLING. NO RUDENESS. There are plenty of places to go for that on the internet.

That said, this past week I have gotten two of the oddest compliments that I thought were hilarious:

“Judge Lynn is top tier. I mean legendary Pokemon status.”

“Judge Lynn is a hood B*&%h on the right side of the law. You knows she’s right but you can tell she be crazy”

LOL Thought BigE would pass out laughing when I told him that last one.

You guys have a great Day!

 

JLT

Ask Judge Lynn

March 2, 2015 Uncategorized 106 Comments

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ASK JUDGE LYNN

I used to do this fairly regularly but I stopped. I could make up a reason but the truth is I just got lazy. People always ask me for advice on Facebook and Twitter. I can’t answer on those platforms because I am have to think and I usually have long answers.

So here you go. If you have a relationship question post it here. Here awesome parameters:

1. This is a relationship forum. I can’t give legal advice.

2. I will try to answer as many questions as I can but I won’t be able to get to them all. Please don’t be offended.

3. Sometimes I give a general response if several people ask the same kind of question.

4. No ratchetness and rudeness … Just saying.

5. I haven’t done this in a while … There WILL be technical difficulties.

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