Bridging the Vast Hormonal Divide

First I want to thank all of you who answered my: ” what do you think?” questions on Facebook.  I really do want to understand what I so often see.

I read a lot.  I talk to the people on my show.  I pepper my friends with “How do you? questions”  I read what’s going on on the internet  . . .

as an aside, some of the stuff I see going on between men and women on line is scary.  So much anger and derision.  I suppose there is no hurt like a love hurt and that would lead to anger but wow . . . it gets so universalized.  all women aren’t the same . . neither are all men.

That said, we do have tendencies.  One which I witnessed a lot in your answers to today’s question “what one thing would you tell you spouse/significant other that s/he doesn’t seem to get?”

I think the thing everybody has to keep in mind is that it feels differently. My husband and I can hear and see the very same thing but get something totally different from it.  The thing you have to remember is there is no one RIGHT way to feel.  You have to understand that it DOES feel different and  come to some accommodation about what needs to be done.

For instance that women need to be heard thing.

That used to make my hubby and I both crazy.  He couldn’t understand why I kept telling him about stuff I didn’t want him to do anything about  and  I did not understand how frustrating it was to E to think that he should be solving something and that’s not what needs to be done.

But once I  explained how comforting it was for him to hear me he began to look at the listening, in and of itself, as the solution .   He made me feel better and it doesn’t cost him anything but a few moments of his time to quench that thirst even if he doesn’t share it.  Moreover, I help him know when that’s what I want by saying so . . . Just give the brother a heads up with “Hon. Can I just say this?”  That’s his cue to sit back and soak it in.

Trust me we haven’t gotten it all figured out sometimes we just look at each other and think “What the hell just happened here?”  It’s a process.

Thanks for joining in the discussion, though.

Have any of you learned something about communicated across gender that you would like to share?

Hey, and

PLAY NICE PEOPLE

I am interested in resolution not revolution.

PEACE

Ask Me Thursday

Okay so it is

ASK ME THURSDAY.

For any of you new here this is how this works.

I always get questions from people about their relationships so I thought I would create a forum for that. I can’t answer legal questions. Too many different state laws and nuances.  You just can’t counsel on line.

With the relationship questions, I answer the ones that I think I can give a good response to.  I don’t tell people what to do but I help you look at all sides and give my opinion or if I have it, my personal experience, with the topic.

UNFORTUNATELY I CAN’T ANSWER EVERY QUESTION!

So please don’t be offended if I can’t get to yours.

I just pick the ones I think I have a good  answer too.

Anyway, so that’s it.

Got a question?

Duchess is a Wheel Greaser

She is also an Australian Sheep Dog.

I know because she told me.  As you know, she is at my house this week getting me in order – and I do mean getting me in order.  Not just physically – we cleaned out my pantry and my clothes closet –  but emotionally as well.

E used to tell me that I allowed my mother to work too hard while she is here.  My response has always been “I can’t stop her.”  Her announcement to the family this week was: “It makes me happy.  It gives me purpose.  I am a Wheel Greaser and an Australian Sheep Dog. “

This is a summary of her explanation:  She said she doesn’t have great visions or grand plans. She just works with people who do and helps them make them happen.  She did that for my father who needed someone to smooth out the bumps in his road.  He had to have a wife to keep his multitude of great, grinding, genius-level gears running smoothly.  That’s what my mom did.  She is a Wheel Greaser.

Her new revelation is that she is also an Australian Sheep Dog.  Those dogs are not happy unless they are working.  They were bred to herd.  That’s what they enjoy.   Mom says she loves coming here because it gives her purpose.  She loves jumping into the middle of whatever familial stuff we have going on at my house and herding us in the right direction.

And she is good at it too . . .

The thing is she sees the value of it.  Most people want to be center stage.  Seen as visionaries. Mom is not into that.  She is good at what she does and takes great pride in it.  ”Everybody brings something to the table.  This is what I bring . . . and I AM GOOD.”

She’s got that right.  I don’t just love my mother I am astounded by her.

That is, I suppose, why I wrote my book.  She may not need nor want applause but she’s getting it anyway!

“My Mother’s Rules”

Yes indeed,

My Mother does rule.

As I end this, I am in tears.

Duchess

Duchess is my mother.  She is coming here for about 10 days.  I love it when she comes.  We are very close.  She doesn’t come often so I am all excited.

I do extra cleaning and buy new stuff before she gets here because I want her to be happy and surprised.  My men think I am ridiculous.  When I started doing that the other day, they looked at each other, rolled their eyes and E said “Here we go…”

I said “What do you mean?”

And he said that the boys once described my mother and I as a Two Person Cult .  That sounds just like 19 .  He has a wonderful way with words.

I think it is hard for kids to see their mother as someone else’s kid.  Also this is such a male dominated household I think that the way women interact is foreign to them and just seems a bit odd.

I am not going to lie.  I was a little annoyed when he said it but now I think it’s funny.

There will be no clouds in my sky.

I choose to bask in the sunlight.

This is a picture of me from last Christmas.  That was the last time she was here.  It accurately reflects my mood so I am using it!

As you can see

I have started painting again.  For those of you who are new here, I KNOW I HAVE NO TALENT. I get that part.  I just paint for peace of mind.

This one is a work in progress.  I showed it to my family and asked them if they liked it

16 asked “is it a leaf?”-

It is not – but I can see how he got there. “No,” I said, “but do you like it?”  His responce “I don’t know what it is.”

So I asked 19 what he thought.

He asked me “what is it?”

I said “abstract art”

He said “Yea, but what was it meant to convey?”

I just looked at him.  He pursued “What was your inspiration?”

My responce “I didn’t really have any.”

“Well,” he says, “Then how would I know if it is any good if I didn’t know what you were trying to do?”

Undaunted I inquired of my husband.  The man who married me.  The man who said he would love me for better or for worse, come what may, in good times and in bad.

He said  (no lie) “it looks like four butts squeezed together.”

Okay, I get that painting is not my fast ball . . .  but word to the wise: Should some family member or yours (who has be stressed and pressed quite noticeably) shows you something they’ve worked  on they are looking, not for a meaningful critique but for a little support and encouragement.

Would a little white lie hurt that much?  ”Oh that’s nice” would have done just fine.

P.S  typically it is not wise to piss of the chick that does all of the cooking, cleaning and bill paying. Just sayin.’