Archive for July, 2009

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I'm Not Sure What Happened

Friday, July 31st, 2009

Every morning my husband gets a weather report and it has nothing to do with 110 degrees hot and sunny (which is the looped recording we get here in Phoenix). He gets it from me.

I can be a little moody. I contend everyone is a great deal more moody than they acknowledge. Usually when folks get upset they attribute it to a situation without first assessing their own emotional landscape, which is a mistake – and clearly a blog for another day.

Be that as it may, I am moodier than most. (ask anybody who lives with me). I have a great out-of-the-house edit button that I perfected in court. You can't go passing your bad moods around when you have a robe on. I believe more judges should be emotionally aware – did a judicial education course on that which was not well received – got racial and everything – but, that too, is a subject for another day.

Here, in my own home (which I pay the mortgage on) I feel a certain sense of entitlement. That having been said, I don't believe I should just blithely pass my attitude along. That's the whole purpose of the weather report. To put a name on any mood I might be sporting in the morning so I can keep an eye on my lesser self and just as a precaution so everybody knows what's up. Was preparing the weather report for today and to my surprise we have an unusual weather pattern I have not seen in a while:

Without any warning from threatening skies, Bitch Lynn blew in some time last night. Winds up to 100 miles an hour. I don't know what happened, but I'm irritated.

Here's the thing. Nobody is going to get knocked down. I am aware and I am responsible. I will be extra nice. I will request space. I will barricade myself in my room if I have to.

I write this to give my irritation form so I can have 'you know who' in my sights and not let her run my day. Usually I ask for personal prayer. Today you might want to throw up one for the family.

Peace – I'm looking for it.

Posted in Judge Lynn | 9 Comments »

Other People's Stuff

Thursday, July 30th, 2009

I get a lot of requests for advice. And, as I always say, I never answer specific questions but if someone raises an issue I think is of general interest I blog on it. Actually, I have had a few questions about this general topic so here is my ten cents worth on Other People's Stuff.

When I say Other People's Stuff I mean other people's drama and personal problems that they visit on you. Some people are like that you know.

The adage 'misery loves company' is true. In addition, I think there are people out there who like being the center of attention. So when they drag you into their stuff or manipulate you with a lot of emotional garbage it makes them feel powerful.

This one young lady told me about their parents messy break up – a father who guilts her – she's feeling responsible for how her mother gets treated. Can't express an opinion specifically on that but here are the questions I'd ask myself.

1. Are you helping or enabling? If you are helping, the situation changes and gets better. If you are enabling you are soothing people enough to allow them to continue in their unhealthy patterns.

You can't fix another person's toxic relationship with someone else. They have to. You can feel badly for people but if the situation is messed up and you conitnue to behave in the same way as you have how is that going to improve anything? If it didn't work on Monday it won't work on Thursday.

Now if you are making the situation better or have a new way to go and you think it might help go ahead. But if you are running around in the same circle what have you accomplished except continuing the pain?

2. What is this situation doing to you?
Are you starting to define yourself by other's weaknesses, problems or insecurities?

Yes you love your relatives and you want them to love you. But you can't make people express their love or even behave appropriately towards you. If they can't that has nothing to do with you. ID them as a person you love with problems. Then you don't take it personally.

I have a story in My Mother's Rules about my mother never understanding why her father could leave her, her mom and brother and sisters in such dire poverty. So she went to the town that he was living in and saw that he was an alcoholic and began to understand what that meant. That, she said when she put a period on it. Booze not his feeling for her dictated his day. Nothing personal. Feels that way but it isn't.

So if you are dealing with family who has issues name it, acknowledge it and work at letting it go. It's not easy but make that a goal. Then work on that instead of trying to change people.

3. Have you've done the best you can?

If so don't feel guilty.

4. Do you have a family of your own that not only deserves your time and attention but appreciates it?

They should be your focus.

LINES I WOULD USE:

"I love you but I can't help you."
"I am so sorry you feel that way but I'll always love you"
"I wish I could fix this but I can't. I love you but don't bring this to me anymore. I've done my best."
"here's what I think you need to do ______ Cause what you're doing isn't working and it hurting everybody. Take my advice if you want but if you don't we can talk about anything except that mess."

If things get better you can always have a closer relationship. But in the mean time you have to decide what this things does to you. And you can.

Get strong. Get an attitude – not a nasty one but of good humored cool and glacial calm. Globalize your Pain Quotient – you do not live in a war zone or the drought ravaged Sudan – your pops is childish and self centered.

It's like a life guard. The first thing they learn in life guard school is how NOT to let a panicking drowning person take you down with them. Break their hold, then assess do your best, but get to the beach alive.

For what it's worth.

Posted in Judge Lynn | 4 Comments »

49/101/8/1

Wednesday, July 29th, 2009

49 – My age
101 -The temperature at
8 pm -last night where I played tennis for
1 hour

There is a thin line between dedication and foolhardiness and I flirting with it.

Been getting a few interesting questions of late which I do plan to answer. Was going to do it this morning but I'm still suffering from the effects of last night. (what was I thinking?)

Maybe I should go back to bed.

HMMMMMM, Yes, I think that is exactly what I will do.

Maybe I'll holler later.

Peace.

Posted in Judge Lynn | 10 Comments »

Cooler Heads

Tuesday, July 28th, 2009

First, I want to say that the mall thing went as well as could be expected. I put them in the right department and then I went to look at purses. Little static when I got back. "I want this" "They don't have that"

My response was soul calming. "Find it here or find it on line. Let's eat." It was, I must say, a quiet lunch but I felt fine. And to be fair 14 perked up a bit when I fed him. New lesson: Never talk a hungry adolescent anywhere.

They said thank you though at the end. So all is well.

09 Your crew is behind you. I don't know your boss or how the conversation went. But yours is a problem a lot of people run into so I thought I'd give my ten cents worth:

1) never let your hurt feelings do your talking for you. Emotions are not good business partners. They don't understand money.

2) Let that first wave go by then look at your situation from your employers eyes Is there a reason switching days is not doable for her? Knowledge is power. Ask what the issue is with an eye toward resolving the matter to both of your advantage.

3) Nothing to lose by having a calm rational conversation in which you remind her of what you've done and how loyal an employee you've been.

4. Remember when people hurt your feelings 9 times out of 10 it has more to do with what they're dealing with than you.

5. Even if her problem is you find out what and why. That will do one of two things: a) tell you she does not appreciate you – which means it's her bad or b) tells you where you can improve next time. (eg what was your approach? – did you TELL her what days you could work or ASK if you could switch? People get their noses out of joint for the smallest of reasons.)

6. Remember no matter how an employment situation turns out – no one and I mean no one – defines who you are other than you.

And just keep this in mind – twice in my life jobs went poof on me. One (at a law firm I could see the writing on the wall. They didn't see me as partner material – I wasn't going to bring in clients) – So in looking for a fall back position I ran for judge.

Power of Attorney was my first TV show. Got cancelled after 4 months. I swear I laid on the kitchen floor when they told me. It was my birthday. Took a while but I got DC.

Here's my take on that. God moves me when I don't have enough sense to move myself. All my best decisions were a function of getting out ahead of a problem I saw coming or in an aggressive – BUT POSITIVE – response to an unfortunate situation . If not for these unfortunate situations I'd still be working in a firm and hating every minute of it.

Don't get me wrong I am not some zen monk who glides through trouble like a soaring eagle. I am just as vulnerable as the next guy. And if you read my book you know stability is never a given with me.

All I'm saying is let cooler heads prevail. You have the right to feel the way you do but you also have the power to respond with rationality and reason.

Good luck. We are all pulling for you.

Posted in Judge Lynn | 5 Comments »

What My Day is Looking Like

Monday, July 27th, 2009

So here's how I'm rolling today. I have a sticky contract situation that I am going to have to deal with.
NO PROBLEM.

I have to work on show treatments.
NO PROBLEM.

I have to take care of a legal matter.
NO PROBLEM.

I have to take the boys 'back to school' clothes shopping to day.
LORD DELIVER ME!!!!!!!

Back in the day I could go to Target buy them ten shirts and two pairs of jeans of my choosing. They didn't care and when they wore out it was okay cause they'd outgrow them in 9 months anyway.

But now, they care. Which wouldn't be so bad if they didn't mind shopping. They hate it worse than I do. So here's what typically occurs. They pester me two days in advance (this has already occurred) about what it is they want and don't want.

Then we go to the store (That's today's pain in the behind task) and since I have been informed – ad nauseam – about their preferences they expect me to wave a magic wand in front of the store and have all of their completed outfits pop off the racks and fly into my hands. They don't want to look. They don't want to try anything on. They express disgust at my suggestions.

So TODAY I am going to send them in. I'm going elsewhere. They'll have an hour to pick stuff out. I'll come back. Buy the stuff I approve of (They have a price limit) and am putting the rest back. I'm in no mood to molly coddle people today.

You know, I received a really interesting question from someone re: toxic relatives on MySpace. I think I will give it some though and have a general response to the issue.

By the way what's up with MySpace? I haven't been able to post for 2 days.

Still working on posting my woman cave pictures. You're girl has had an techno-stroke. Brain can't process buttons all of a sudden.

Anyway, you guys take it easy. I love the virtual family you have formed.

Peace.

Posted in Judge Lynn | 10 Comments »

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