Judge Lynn.com

Yesterday, I slipped and fell flat on my face landing right smack dab in the middle of the two R's. While I consider Fear the most dangerous and difficult emotion to conquer I believe that the two R's are the most wasteful.

Someone asked me a question over the holidays which gave me pause. (leave it to family to unearth your most deeply held issues with nothing more than a simple question.)

He had noticed a habit of mine I had not realized I had. He explained. I agreed. And then he did it. He asked me why. It took me two minutes to pull up an answer. That doesn't sound like much but you try it. Two minutes is forever in ordinary conversation time.

Anyway, my answer was "I feel guilty" and no, this was not about my relationship with my step sons or my cooking or other domestic failures.

Something different entirely. Blew me away.

Anyhow, since it was the holidays and as such was not the appropriate time for a melt down, catharsis or any other deep negative personal emotional moment, I stored it for consideration at a later time. That time was yesterday.

And it was there, this Sunday, on the floor of my office I figured out where all that guilt was coming from and what it had made me do. I had an emotion dictating actions that I did not know was there. (and ya'll know how I feel about that kind of thing!!!!)

That's what lead me down that dark alley where I spent most of yesterday. I was disturbed by my own failure to realize that decisions I had made, over and over again throughout the years where based on guilt not reason.

That's not what got me to the two R's though. That happened when I realized why I felt guilty. I had nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. I had been convinced I had committed a wrong that I had not. Over and over again I pled guilty to that charge. Good girl, good girl. . .

That's what did it. That's what made me lose 24 hours to the biggest dumbest most wasteful emotions I know:

Resentment and Regret.

I spent all day mad that that had happened to me. That I was made to feel badly about something I wasn't doing.

Don't get me wrong. Anybody can feel resentment for having been made to feel so badly about something that wasn't happening and anyone can regret their decision to allow it. There is no crime in that. It's the time I wasted even more time wallowing in them yesterday that made me a little warm. Enough damage had been done. Now it has taken another day . . .

But you know, as I am writing this I am realizing there I go again. I am all over myself for being human. . .

When you think about it, 24 hours is not that long to get your mind around 20 years of resentment. I'm entitled. No?

In fact, upon further consideration, those involved are damn lucky that's all of the time I took.

That's why I love this blog business. Makes you put it into words. Makes you think.

I know I am being oblique and vague but I can't tell you what it is. . . but it was on my mind. Don't try to figure it out either. It's deep and it's personal. Guessing about it will only make it worse. I just wanted to vent. Take my power back.

And on a happier note. . . .

Here's a picture of me and my daughter-in-law over the holidays. You should note, as well, that your girl figured out how to post the picture right side up!!!!!

BUT EVERYBODY HAD SECONDS!!!!

My daughter-in-law and I pulled it off, then we got a bottle of wine, sat on the back porch while the men cleaned up!!!

Hope all of you had good Thanksgivings too.

It's nice having another woman in the house. And she makes herself so at home and helpful. Gotta say Number 1 son made a GREAT pick!!!

Kareem was here too. He and I always have a good time.

I have no deep thoughts this morning. Just riding the waves of contentment hoping they roll me right through the weekend.

Surfing the love!! How nice.

In the spirit of the holiday I want to say

THANK YOU.

As fans of the show you keep a sister in a job!

As bloggers you keep me engaged and make me thoughtful.

You bring me a consistent place to share my moods, my madness and the occasional cathartic moment.

You have built a community among yourselves of mutual support and care. We are people who would have probably never crossed paths in life but have formed a valuable thing here:

A place to sob, share a celebrate as circumstances require.

Will probably not post tomorrow. Maybe – if I steal a moment or have a particularly alarming culinary experience that I just can't wait to pass on!

So again, I just want to say it now.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!!!!

Three things happened the other day that may me think about what it is to be a 'good girl".

I got a comment on a computer message – got another comment on a social networking page and my daughter-in-law and I had a long (wine enhanced) conversation.

1. The message I got was from someone who said she felt guilty when she couldn't do something for someone. She was trying to be a good person. My response was there is a difference between being a good person and making everybody happy.

2. Someone of Facebook said that I was a strong woman who knows what she will and will not take. While that statement is becoming truer by the year it is not necessarily how things are. I have made a lot of good girl mistakes in several arenas of my life. Lots.

3. My daughter-in-law and I were talking about relationships and what we have done to make our relationships work that when we were young unmarried and cocky we never thought we would do.

I'm not sure where I am going with this. But I suppose it's just that I am having a renewed appreciation for the GUILTLESS 'kind no' as opposed to the 'resentful yes'.

The former is becoming easier with age. And the weird thing is those who are now getting the GUILTLESS kind no are now more happy than when they were getting the resentful yes.

Like Momma always said "you gotta do what people need not what they want. And while everybody knows what they want very few know what they really need."

Peace.

How are all of you?

I have recovered from my gastrointestinal difficulties just in time to host the family. Son number 1 who is 38, his wife and son came in last night. Their son, my grandson (yikes!) is 6. He gets up at 5. Playing drums by 5:30. He even woke up 17 at 6:30 though he usually sleeps until 8. 14, though awakened at 5:30 when 6 jumped on his head, has rolled over and resumed his slumber. We won't see him till 7:30.

Son number 2, who is in his 30's is due in at 1:30

Today my daughter in law and I are going shopping for Thanksgiving dinner. E was adamant about no pre-packed pre-cooked food this year. So much so that he volunteered to do the turkey. Daughter-in-law and I will handle the rest. I am neither guaranteeing nor sweating the outcome. This way there is enough blame to go around.

Somehow I need to fit in the finalization of a contract today that must be signed before tomorrow. Shouldn't be a problem. My men know that when the door to the woman cave is closed I am not to be disturbed. 6 doesn't know – but he's still got baby fat on his cheeks – and as a result is forgiven everything!

I've seen a couple of issues I'd like to blog on but right now I am inundated by my own personal life. Well – I think inundated is a little strong. I am just busy. Happily so. I have learned to enjoy the holidays. And I mean LEARNED to enjoy them. It's a lot of work!!!!!

Anyway, I have so much to be thankful for I am not going to complain about that –

Unless some dumb stuff breaks loose . . . . @$#%#&@ Lynn's in there somewhere just looking for an opportunity to do the wrong thing! I got my eye on her though.

Here's a photo of me and Deborah (My co-author for Put it in Writing) when we where in NYC.

And yes, I know it's sideways.